What not to wear to the Grammy Awards, other award shows, or at any point in your life

I watched the Grammy red carpet show for about 15 minutes and the one thing I noticed most about this year's event was the invasion of the Brits, and their much classier style. I heard Adele was styled by Anna Wintour herself. Of course, as Andre Leon Talley has put in kind words, "Miss Anna don't like fat girls," so Adele was dressed in a black knee-length dress, black tights, black shoes ... you get my point. And to top it all off, she wore a knee-length (also) viper green, structured shantung silk coat. If indeed Miss Anna styled the Grammy winner, then it was all in "textbook flaw-minimising" pieces.

As for the folks below, I think you should be cautious of what you wear regardless of whether you are Hollywood (wannabe) material or otherwise. Please take note everyone:

I just wanted to start off gently with this shot of the next comeback queen, Whitney Houston. I adore her. I saw that illegal clip of her performance at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party and I am filled with hope of her return to glory. Beyonce always needed some competition anyway. But as for this dress, it's a little busy. (This was something I expected Miss Knowles to wear, not Miss Houston). The watercolour shadings are not flattering on anyone. Give this a miss. I had a dress like this. I wore it once and it's still sitting pretty in my closet. We all learn.

Sheryl Crow's dress is a lesson on proportion. The length is a little scant, hence it makes the side slit quite awkward. Otherwise, she looks great, but tone down on the fake bake.

If your name is not Angeline Jolie or Megan Fox, you must never attempt this look. Yes, that means you, Lisa Rinna. Ironically, this is the best Lisa Rinna has looked in decades. As always, watch for the embellishments, ladies. The one of Miss Rinna's gown looks home-crafty-tacky.

First of all, who the hell is Phoebe Price? What is she famous for? Someone please enlighten me. She constantly gets into the tabloid pages and gossip columns for her poor sense of style, and she's always throwing a fit. Is she someone's wife or daughter? I'd like to know why she's always so upset and dressed just as bad.

This dress gets the award for French cigarette butt pelting. Just all sorts of no, no, no.

I guess you could say if Paris is not naked, it's always an improvement. Ladies, again, watch the fake bake.

This one gets the Italian tomato pelting award, commonly known as "Aww, hell naww!" This is when you shouldn't wear last year's biggest colour trend: this year. And inner-wear-as-outer-wear was retired in the 80s, when Madonna was still that crazy Catholic girl from Detroit. By the way, the lady here is Nikki Cox, wife of Jay Mohr (the comedian). I know -- who?

This one gets the "Oh, no she didn't!" Award. Being at full term and expecting delivery on Grammy Award night, M.I.A. decided to ease herself into this ugly getup. Good Lord, you should have seen what she wore when she was performing with the "Rap Pack". I think pregnancy does all kinds of injustice to your figure and no woman should be insane enough to add on to the damage with this atrocious who-the-hell-designed-this ... I am lost for words already.


Does anyone remember how Jennifer Hudson was crucified for her little metallic shrug jacket made by Valentino that she wore with her brown Valentino gown, the year she won her Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Yeah, even this much metallic will not fly at the Grammys. Estelle is English, so I shall use a more appropriate word for her ensemble: campy.

And last but not least, never ever wear anything Bai Ling wears, ever. This woman claims to have good taste in fashion. Every Asian on this planet is embarrassed just to have any genetic connection to her. Gawd, save us!